Monday, February 20, 2006

Some handy hints

At party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Avoid over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.

When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

Bus Drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Look 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

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