Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
50 Top Albums
Interesting reading. I dont agree with all of it, especially the Spice Girls............
Monday, July 10, 2006
The French President
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.""Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac."Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!""Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.""Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?""Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Having a bad day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison."
I am a slacker okay, I confess it. I dont write much in my blog and to all my fans out there, sorry. Actually is there anybody out there????????????????????
I have a new favourite band. They are called Blue October. Great stuff.
Monday, June 05, 2006
the piccolo player
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?" "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "
It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the Queen of England, she loves the music. She says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "
We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. "
Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"
Monday, February 20, 2006
Some handy hints
At party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Avoid over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.
When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
Bus Drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Look 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.